HATE MAIL TO BARBIE. DEAR BARBIE, GO F#!K YOURSELF

HATE MAIL TO BARBIE. DEAR BARBIE, GO F#!K YOURSELF

31st July 2012 // By Fuck Barbie // Must Read

This is the disturbing Valeria Lukyanova (here’s a link to her Russian Facebook/ thing page http://vk.com/photos4926666) Valeria’s turned herself into a human Barbie Doll. It’s what she wanted. This is what enough plastic surgery will get you. This is what Barbie can do to you. Make of this what you will. Which brings us to the first of our Hate Mail to Barbie Essays, by Warhol’s Children’s Ruby Niemann

Oh yeah, when I was a kid I desperately wanted the Barbie car, the Barbie Dream House, the clothes, the accessories – of course I did. For one thing, my mother was against me have them – Barbie was my forbidden fruit! I even remember befriending another girl in primary school just because she had a whole extra room devoted to her Barbie collection. But make no mistake – Barbie is a bitch. A horrible role model. For one thing, let’s look at the most controversial part of Barbie – her teeny tiny little waistline. I wanted to be Barbie. Of course I fucking wanted to be Barbie. I wanted her slim little waist, her perfect skin, her blonde hair. I wanted her perfect, vagina-less lady-zone. Because that’s what Barbie is – she’s all of the lovely, feminine stuff about being a woman, without any of the icky real world stuff that goes with it. Even when you get Pregnancy Barbie, you just pull her stomach off and out comes a perfectly formed little baby doll, with nary a scrap of viscera in sight. And Barbie goes back to her tiny little shape instantly, without any exercise or dieting or crazy hormone changes. She’s perfect! And she kind of ruins it for the rest of us. You hit a certain age, and how were you supposed to know that you start getting hair in weird places? Or that pregnancy involves a lot more screaming and blood? Or that Ken, the world’s most asexual handbag, is not in fact marriage material? Barbie taught is the exact opposite – and therefore trained us to feel bad about not being like her. There’s a much-revisited annoyance from many women that growing up with Barbie – a ludicrously proportioned eleven-inch plastic lady – has given the girls who played with her unrealistic ideas about how they should look. It’s pretty easy to scoff at that, we all like to think we’re not that easily taken in. But in fairness, it’s probably true. Look at how much we love blonde, tanned, skinny girls with disproportionately big boobs. We airbrush girls in magazines to make their skin look like plastic. Make no mistake, someone out there wants everyone to look like a Barbie doll. And deep down, plenty of women do as well. She’s skinny! She’s blonde! She has everything. And it’s all pink! It’s hard not to feel like, if you’re not exactly like Barbie, you’re doing it wrong. Also, I’d like to point out that Barbie and all her accessories are pricey, and as a little girl, if you didn’t have at least one Barbie, you were a nobody. It’s like making your parents pay $30 at a time to destroy your tiny, little-kid self-esteem. That seems kind of weird to me. So yeah. Fuck Barbie.

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