WHY ALAN SCOTT IS POINTLESS AND HOW TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN IN 2014 - ANGRY WEDNESDAY

WHY ALAN SCOTT IS POINTLESS AND HOW TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN IN 2014 - ANGRY WEDNESDAY

14th January 2014 // By Xylophone Pineapple
By Xylophone Pineapple (the writer formerly known as Oscar Sikorsy). I know a guy called Alan Scott. This is a pointless name. Why give a child a name that 300 million people already have. Poor Alan, (sorry Alan) your name is hopelessly generic. Your parents lacked imagination and ambition. Worse still, they didn’t think you would turn out to be worth remembering, so they gave you a name everyone would forget.

Alan Scott, what can you say, why even bother getting up in the morning. I’m really sorry Alan; don’t take this story personally…. Anyway… Earl Sweatshirt, now there’s a name to remember. I’m not actually a fan of his music, but I am a fan of his name. Here’s to you Mr and Mrs Sweatshirt, job well done. I’m naming my first born Hercules Zeppelin. Or Einstein Tarantula. If I have a girl I’ll call her Chandelier. Yes. What a lovely name. Chandelier, it just rolls off the tongue. I met a guy in the café where this magazine is put together, his name: Battlecat. That’s what I’m talking about. The best way to know what to name your child is to know what other people are naming their children and then do the opposite. For example the opposite of Alan is Flamingo. The opposite of Scott is Bonaparte. You get the idea. It would turn someone called Alan Scott into someone called Flamingo Bonaparte. Flamingo Bonaparte dances like Mick Jagger and has the soul of a Poet. Alan Scott is a real estate agent. Seriously, this is what Alan does. Your name is your destiny. True, it’s called nominative determinism. So here’s what not to name your children in 2014 – this is a list of Australia’s top baby names for 2013. To choose your baby name, just pick the opposite of anything on this list and you’ll do just great. To make this easier I’ve included, in brackets, suggested opposites for some of these names. Top boys’ names of 2013: William Oliver Jack (Stalingrad) Noah James Lucas (Cromwell) Thomas (Moonfire) Lachlan (Hashtag) Ethan (Blizzard) Cooper (Orwell) Top girls’ names of 2013: Charlotte Olivia Amelia (Cauldron) Mia (Nimbus) Chloe (Antelope) Emily (Frisbee) Isabella (Norway) Ava (Backgammon) Sophie (Mystery) Ruby

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