Ben Stiller’s head: a review. Or, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a review Or… Ellen DeGeneres thinks The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a piece of crap.
23rd January 2014
We all know the deal: Ellen DeGeneres leaks her copy of the Secret Life of Walter Mitty and it turns up on file sharing sites and there you have it baddaboom.
But why did Ellen leak?
I tracked down Ellen’s leaked copy and watched the whole tawdry thing and have a compelling theory: Ellen secretly believes that The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a piece of crap and that no one should be expected to pay to see such a stupid and pointless piece of shit….
Here’s the ‘piece of crap’ argument broken down:
Ben Stiller is kind of weird looking. As a child I was taught not to stare at freaks and passing pin-heads, so watching him act for an hour or so goes against everything my folks taught me.
I always stared at freaks anyway, but did so discreetly; I’d put my hands to my face and peer though my fingers, because no one would notice that. Ben Stiller is best viewed in the same manner.
But this is not about Ben Stiller having some kind of gigantic weird head. As disturbing as Ben Stiller’s head may be, this is about other things, here’s handy list:
1.You know how the Secret Life of Walter Mitty is going to end by the time you’re five minutes into the film. This is the most predictable film since that last shitty Ben Stiller film.
Holly wood thinks that we’re stupid, and acts accordingly. The contempt thay have for our intelligence is appauling. Burn Hollywood burn.
2.Ben Stiller is not believable in anything he does. He is so self-conscious it’s painful. If you don’t feel embarrassed watching Ben Stiller act you have a cold dead heart.
Then again, you’d be self-conscious too if you looked like Ben Stiller. What with that enormous head and all. The whole Ben Stiller things are a weird and disturbing scene.
3.Not one character in this film is believable. No one in the real world ever behaves the way they do in the Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
4.James Thurber’s Mitty had depth and poignancy. Ben Stiller’s Mitty is as deep as a can of Pringles. This is not a good metaphor I know. It’s a piece of shit of a metaphor, but I’ve just watched a Ben Stiller film so cut me some slack.
Thurber would not approve of how Stiller has screwed up his work. If Thurber was alive this whole thing would end up in court. Stiller knows this, he is scared, run Ben run.
5.The whole movie is an emotional fraud from the get-go. It’s set up to be emotionally manipulative, but fails. The whole thing is emotionally bankrupt. You don’t give a shit about Mitty.
6.The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a classic Mac Guff in. The single most lazy-ass plot device in cinema.
Fun Fact! This is for those that think the Mac Guffin, comes with cheese and special sauce… here’s how Wikipedia describe a Mac Guffin: a MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin or maguffin) is a plot device in the form of some goal, desired object, or other motivator that the protagonist pursues, The most common type of MacGuffin is an object, place or person
But back to Ben’s head for a moment, have you noticed that he looks like a human bobble-head?
I know it’s cheap and sleazy to make fun of how anyone looks. But I am cheap and sleazy so what the fuck.
The only other creatures in show biz with heads that big are muppets and ventriloquist dummies. In both cases somemes’s hand is stuck up their… you know whereI’m going with this.Use your imagination. Think Muppet. (My hand smell like Muppet. Why is that?)
Ben’s big headed-ness is not just literal, it’s metaphorical, the man’s a narcissist. He wrote, directed, starred in and produced this monstrous film. Talk about an ego trip, Ben Stiller sure ain’t no Orson Welles.
Which brings us to the point of this film review. Ellen DeGeneres is a goddess. She is fundamentally good in a way that Ghandi would approve of. No one should have to actually pay to suffer through this piece of shit of a film. No one, except Hitler and Pol Pot. May they burn in hell. Thank you Ellen for preventing millions of hard working cinema goers around the world having to pay for the experience of being dumbed down by this lazy ass piece of bloated self-conscious narcissistic crap.
Ben Stiller’s head: 1/10
Size of Ben Stiller’s head: 11/10
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: .5/10
Crap factor: 10/10
Shit for brains factor: 10/10