Dear readers, our greatest influencers – musicians, painters, Lindsay Lohan – are all ‘chemically assisted’ and they make cool shit happen. That’s not me saying, 'yay, let’s all do drugs now'; that’s just me, you know, sayin’.
Anyway, so, having done this maths one night, I concocted a brilliant, beyond brilliant plan to make cool shit happen myself. I was adamant on creating an artistic masterpiece and on having the best night doing it. The extra bonus was that I could do it all without putting pants on and paying $30 entry to press up against a bunch of freaks. It really was a winning plan. These were my essentials…
Assortment of paints and paintbrushes
Other miscellaneous art supplies
A bottle of red
Pandora playlist set to Flume Radio
Ingredients gathered, caps swallowed, twitchy eyes, clenched teeth, clammy hands, a jittery feeling in my legs and arms and back and oh my gosh, it was happening, quickly, get the canvas, grab the brush, go creative surge, go!
I ripped the plastic wrapping off the canvas with Hulk-like aggression and it made the loudest sound in the room. Arghh, we need music! No, too calm, not loud enough, the music wasn’t matching my heart rate! The plan was just to paint and let whatever I was feeling take over but suddenly I was frustrated at the abundance of colours. I picked up a sharpie and started drawing diamonds on the canvas. Diamonds, a side view, diamonds, a top view, then a 3D star, then a moon, then Willing Friend over in the corner shouted something about how I was scratching the canvas while he focused on drawing a rose. I looked over at it and it was amazing. Actually everything was, except now I couldn’t concentrate. It was too hot and there was not enough light to draw but then with all the lights on everything was too bright.
A quick look at the time told me only four minutes had passed. What, only four minutes? Willing Friend’s rose was almost complete and I was now ruling parallel lines over the top of all my ying-yangs and peace signs. The heat of the room, the watermelon gum, the sound of the chewing, the sound of the pen, it all became too much. I was shaky and restless so I got up and started throwing my arms up in the air, thinking, “I’m like that long limped creature in Adventure Time!” But then my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth so I lay down on the bed to calm myself. Started The Night Off Willing Friend had now also given up, livid at this chemical dis-assistance to his actual natural artistic capability.
This wasn’t going the way I had hoped. I looked down at my abandoned canvas with guilt while my mouth was still bursting with fruit flavour. Would I never live to be a truly great artist if I couldn’t make a masterpiece with the help of my dear friend Molly? My state of shame dulled my mood a little and now I was calm enough to fully fixate on the colouring in of little triangles. Not long after however, my three-sided world was disturbed by the voice of my On To The Next Thing Friend as he beamed “You have to get up for this song!” So I did.
Warhol's Children's 'Chemically Assisted' series:
Check out the original series here.