If Booze Could Talk

If Booze Could Talk

9th July 2014 // By Yael Brender // The Experiments

If your drink could speak, what would it say about you? As much as your fidgeting, leg-crossing and finger-tapping body language says about you. What you’re holding can be just as important as your opening line, so pay attention to what your drink says about you.

Martini

Guys: You’re trying to be a super-suave James Bond type, who in all probability is trying to impress a girl and/or get laid. You probably appreciate the finer things in life and may have a sporty car parked just outside. It’s the purest of all mixed drinks, so you’re also warning everyone nearby that you can hold your liquor and you’re proud of it. 

Girls: If it’s a dirty martini, then you’re a hot mess. 

Bud Light

Guys: You’re a laid-back Aussie bloke who feels at home in a bar that’s playing the big game on a flat screen. You probably like to yell at the ref too, which is the only time your easy-going nature takes a backseat to your ego. You’re either wearing thongs, footy shorts and a singlet, or else you’ve stashed them in your mate’s garage or car boot before hitting the town. 

Girls: You’re a guy’s girl—and you’ve probably friendzoned them all.

Campari

Guys & girls: You’re a cute hipster that probably wears those round glasses that used to be dorky but are now the height of cool. You like to toss around words like ‘mixology’ just to sound in the know. If it’s in a cocktail, then you’re either an effeminate guy or a girl that’s not ashamed to be girly, but if it’s on the rocks (read: bitter) then you’re probably hardcore at heart and people best watch themselves around you.

Vodka Cranberry

Guys: Are you serious?

Girls: You’ve either been dumped recently, or you simply like what you know—it was the first drink you had when you were a fledgling drinker and you’ve never had the guts to branch out. Or you don’t like the taste of alcohol so you’re masking it with the sweetest mixer you can find. Here’s a tip. Go with a Cosmo instead—it’s the same colour and at least you can pretend that you’re Sarah Jessica Parker instead of one of Barney’s bimbos while you’re drinking it.

Margarita

Guys: You’re only semi-self-conscious about being seen with a chick drink because hey, it’s a Margarita, not a Cosmo, and those f*ckers can be strong!

Girls: You are clocking in some serious party time, probably with the girls, but you won’t be in a hurry to brush off any suitors that come your way. You’ve graduated from the Cosmos (congratulations) but you’ll be having nothing straight up because you’re a girl, and your alcohol is allowed to taste good.

Long Island Iced Tea

Guys and girls: You have a drinking problem.

Tequila Shots

Guys: You’re taking a girl home who’s a little below your usual standards but hey, every notch counts.

Girls: You’re either trying to hold your own with your guy friends who secretly want to see you trashed, or you’re trying to hold your own with your girlfriends—and you’re all going to end up on the floor soon. There’s something exciting and dangerous about doing shots, but the lemon makes it bearable which is why you’ve bypassed the vodka for the tequila. Alternatively, you’re trying to kill off enough brain cells so that tomorrow you don’t remember the questionable decisions that you’re planning to make tonight.

Rubbing Alcohol

Guys & girls: You’re Martha from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and you’re certifiably insane. Or broke.

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