It turns out one of those troublemakers we employ has a reasonable degree of experience in these matters.
So, without further ado, meet Oscar and his secrets to not being in jail. We present this information in the public's interest.
1. Hire the best lawyer you can afford. Never hire a cheap lawyer. Never use a public defender.
2. When hiring the lawyer, treat them like you would a used car sales man, ask lots of questions, make sure they’ve done this before, even then don’t trust them.
3. Dress right. If you’re not sure how to dress, go to your accountant’s office, have a look at the staff. Dress like them. Do not dress to slick. Do not dress poor.
4. The judge wants to see that you’re not a flight risk or wants to see that you’re connected to the community. Take people into the court room with you. Your mum, your partner, your kids. Ask your priest. If you don’t have a partner or kids, get people to pretend that they are.
5. Have someone sob. Get whoever pretends be your partner or your mother to sob. Look shaken when they do. It communicates to the judge regret and contrition.
6. Regret and contrition: ask to read a statement expressing your regret and contrition. Apologise profusely, speak of your grief and the cost pain, embarrassment and sorrow to you and your family.
7. If you’ve damaged stuff, make sure you make some payment before the judge orders it, this shows sincerity. The most important thing you can fake is sincerity.
8. Be super polite to the judge, speak very quietly in a halting, scared and nervous voice.
9. Go to therapy. Book yourself into therapy as soon as you have been charged. You may not actually have a problem, but go to the therapist and fabricate a story that you are occasionally overwhelmed by guilt, attribute the guilt to something tragic you are not guilty of, like your parents divorce, or your mother’s drinking. Explain that this manifests itself as acts of destruction (or whatever) when you’re drinking or on drugs. Talk about how drinking or drugs provides a way of escaping your grief. Just make it up. If it’s substance related do NA. If its DUI, do AA.
10. Tell the judge your behaviour was attributable to this guilt and that you are now finally seeking therapy or AA or NA. Points 9 and 10 are especially important if you have a track record.
11. Get your therapist to write a letter to the court stating that they think “a custodial sentence would only further jeopardies my client’s fragile emotional health”.
12. Cry, but act like your trying not to cry. Practice looking broken and damaged. Judges like broken and damaged.