The third in Warhol’s children’s series on being normal, by Mickey Suzuki. Warhol’s Children helping you be normal since 2012. Illustration by Huzaifa Hasan Ali. 1. Don’t call someone a whole bunch of times just because they didn’t pick up the first time. Don’t call them ten times in a span of 3 minutes. Don’t call a bunch of times then send a string of texts saying “WHEREEEE R U?!?!?!!!!” They were probably just in the bathroom for like a sec and they’re going to come back and see the trauma you’ve caused your phone. Then they REALLY won’t call you back because, well, bitches be crazy.
2. Don’t make up random shit. Don’t say you won some prestigious award when in actual fact you just got invited to the award ceremony. Don’t say you know some celebrity when really you just happened to see them in a store one time. Don’t say you used to date some chick when really you just hung out with her a few times in group situations. And seriously, don’t say you’ve got some terminal illness because that’s just a total bummer and when people figure out it was a lie, it just becomes awkward. 3. Don’t go through your significant other’s private things. Don’t read their emails, their text messages or their bank statements. I know sometimes it’s difficult not to be insecure, especially when it comes to relationships, but there is no reason to go through their phone bill and question every phone number you don’t recognise. Just chill out a little or at least fake it, lock that crazy down. 4. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Don’t comment on a photo a group of your friends are in with something like “HAHA! Guess my invite got lost in the mail.” That doesn’t make other people feel bad, that just makes you look needy. Passive-aggressive behaviour is like a ticking bomb, because it’s only a matter of time before it turns from passive to just pure verbal, maybe even physical, aggression. Everyone knows it’ll go off at anytime now, and they’re running for cover like, “Girl, bye.” 5. Don’t tell people you know them from Facebook. Sure, maybe you have a lot of mutual friends between you and you see photos of them occasionally on your friends’ profiles but seriously, when you’ve never actually met the person in real life before, don’t be telling them you already know them via the Internet. That shit’s creepy. 6. Don’t plan elaborate schemes of revenge. You’re no Blair Waldorf. And even though the person you’re plotting against wronged you first, you are the one who ends up looking like a nutcase, first for harbouring such burning hatred that you’d need to plan such a freaky, immature ploy and second, for failing miserably, because you will, at the expense of your own time and energy. Just try be a little more normal, a little less Cray. Kthxbye.